The End

I have decided not to continue with this blog for the simple reason that I should not be reliving the past but focusing on the now and potential futures I have.

Last year I struggled hard against depression for various reasons which included separation from my partner of 30 years and, if that wasn’t devastating enough, the near death of one of my children. Throughout that period Sue had supported me and work had been tremendous including paying for a life coaching course which I attended in November 2013. That course changed me and allowed me to accept that my relationship with my partner had changed but that we still spoke, didn’t argue or fight and remain friends. The course also opened me up to myself and I realised this week that I must stop reliving the past and start living.

Sue’s partner reverted to his old ways and left her and the children again and she reintroduced me to the children and I visited her house for birthdays etc.

However Sue has twice this year told me “I do not want a relationship with you” by text. After the first I was really low again and struggled until exactly a year after getting back in touch she sent me another text and we saw each other again. I spent more time with her and her children and we had meals and spent time together until just over a week ago I got the second text. Sue loves him “to bits” despite all he has done to her but especially the children. Her last text ended “I know this will upset you”, wrong I was devastated.

Enough is enough and I can now see that despite me being totally honest and open with Sue as to the extent of my feelings and what I wished for hers are very different. She wants him back despite everything and I cannot understand why except that “love is blind” and Love has blinded me to that fact as I thought I could help Sue overcome her potential self destructive desires by her realising that I could offer her so much more than he could and to the children as well.

So I have decided (again) to move on from Sue, to try and find someone else (with the blessing of my ex-partner) to live my life with. Maybe I will and maybe I won’t, the future is not yet written and only I can affect my emotions.

I am a good, kind, generous, caring and loveable man.

Sue gets in touch

Friday 1st February 2013 12:58 (pm for those who don’t do 24 hour clock) I receive a text from Sue. How am I so precise on the time? It is because I have text backup software on my phone that I installed to save those precious texts off Sue when we were going through a good time together. Her text says she has received a letter for me and would I like her to redirect it or meet up for coffee next time I was in work. I immediately replied that I would of course love to meet up. Well you would wouldn’t you?

We arranged a date and left the time and place until the actual day. Despite everything that had gone on before and the time between seeing Sue and the text my Love for her, my deeply held affection and care for her that I have had not died but simply been buried. When I received that text my true feelings for her burst forth and overwhelmed me and I simply had to see her. I needed to gaze upon her beauty and see if there was that light behind her eyes or if he had extinguished it.

I was doing my best at home trying to hold everything and everyone together which is not easy when you and your partner are not communicating about the important things that need to be addressed in an everyday family. Not least our financial situation following my redundancy and the current economic turmoil. More important were the problems facing our son who was now being treated for depression and struggling with school. The School were fantastic and had lots of support plans in place for him and we were working together to get him to the end of A levels. He however had wanted to stop yet there was only a few weeks left before the exams started. Then there was also my other two children to consider both of whom were being affected by our sons depression but who also loved him dearly. Finally my own relationship with my partner who was still refusing to talk about our situation and my forthcoming return to working within the work place rather than at home.

Sue’s text was like a breath of fresh air, something that cleansed my soul and took me away from the turmoil currently in my life back to that happier time when I was with her. So perhaps above all else I simply wanted to be with her, hold her and perhaps kiss her. I felt she was my eye in the storm raging round me at home.

Well you would go and see her wouldn’t you?

Recap and catch up

For those of you joining me anew on this journey that I thought I had completed a recap may be in order. However the recap is only going to cover November 2012 and then the catch up part will be up to February 2013. To fully understand where I was in November 2012 I urge you to read my blog from the beginning as it is chronological.

Recap

In May 2012 I realised I cared very much for my land lady Sue and on our last night together told her so. That my feelings to her were reciprocated filled me with the utmost joy. Following my return home I wrote to her and texted her regularly and we seemed to be getting close. Then in July 2012 she took him back and destroyed my life. Fast forward to October 2012 and I returned to my job away from home and saw Sue. She loves him and wants it to work so with a very heavy heart I decided in November 2012 to walk away and concentrate on my own relationship and family.

Catch up

From November onwards I tried really hard to reconcile with my partner and I worked very hard in supporting my family. I’m not sure if I mentioned this before but I have 3 children and at that time 1 was at college, 1 was doing A levels and the youngest was still in first school. Yes quite a gap between the middle and last child. Both my eldest children had been badly affected by Martin’s death but also by the suicide of a school friend 2 weeks after Martin.

We had a fantastic Christmas which is recorded for posterity on video but New Year was a very muted affair. By midnight there was only myself and a brother-in-law left, my eldest were out partying, my partner and youngest had gone to bed. I saw New Year in feeling very unhappy and I texted Sue but got no reply.

As time wore on I realised that despite my best efforts my relationship with my partner had deteriorated but I still hoped to be able to continue it because although I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with Sue sometimes you have to be woken up to the fact that you already have the best right in front of you. I knew I had to return to my job down south by July 2013 but hoped my family would come with me. You may be thinking that’s a big ask but in my Aspergers world I rationalised that it was not because 1) My eldest would be at university 2) my middle child may also be at university after A levels 3) my youngest would be transitioning to middle school 4) my partners contract was supposed to end in July 5) we had moved hundreds of miles before at a time when the eldest 2 were the same age as my youngest. So to me it seemed perfectly reasonable. I tried to talk to my partner about this but got the response “you are putting too much pressure on me”

I worked from home for 8 out of 10 working days the other 2 spent at my new/old job staying with relatives. My middle child was struggling with school and I pretty much had to take him to school every day I was home to be sure he got there. I knew from the occasional phone call when I was away that he didn’t bother when I was not there.

During this period I had pretty much forgotten about Sue until one day out of the blue she texted me.

History repeats itself

I am contemplating restarting this blog so that I have a record of what has happened in my life since I last blogged to the present painful day. However I am unsure I have the strength to do so because whilst I started the blog originally to exercise my daemons over Sue and how she treated me the daemons are back and stronger than ever. If I do find the strength you will perhaps understand that last sentence but there again you will struggle to understand why I let it happen. I can answer that with one simple word: LOVE

I Love Sue with my entire body and soul. For my sanity, health and Life I must remove that Love from my being but how do you do that?

One Month On

It is now over a month since I last saw Sue and also since I last heard from her. I am trying to move on but at times it is extremely difficult as I ponder on what might have been and how happy we were. Today is one of those times when out shopping the store was playing Lana Del Rey’s song “Blue Jeans” which includes the lines “I will love you till the end of time, I would wait a million years”. I found myself singing along and got a strange look of a lady I was walking past.

There are a few other reasons why it is difficult for me at the moment:

My old new job is only 6 miles from where Sue lives and although I stay at my relatives when I’m there I drive the same roads once I am close to work. The same roads that I travelled to and from work when I lived with Sue. In fact when I go back to my relatives I pass within a third of a mile of Sue and I wonder what she is doing at that moment.

I still dream about her and us together. At the moment the dreams are vivid and always happy although I wake sad and depressed at being wrenched back to reality when my alarm goes off.

When I stayed with my relatives the last time I arrived back after work and was greeted warmly with a “how was work today?” by both of them. This confused me for a moment because my partner never asks me and it was only Sue during the past year that had asked when we met in the kitchen on my return to her house. So at that moment I was thrown back to Sue’s kitchen and warm happy thoughts and I stumbled over my answer. God how I wanted to be with Sue right then to hold her in my arms again.

At the end of last week I desperately wanted to phone and make sure Sue was OK but I fought the urge hard and went out on my bike to try to regain some control which eventually returned. I have also thought of writing to her as well.

Music – I have found over the years that the music I listen to is affected by my emotions at the time and I enjoy a lot of different music. There are some albums I can only listen to again in a certain frame of mind and there are a couple of albums I cannot listen to at all. One of those was Joy Division’s “Unknown Pleasures” as I listened to it constantly immediately before a suicide attempt in my youth, that attempt was the one that prompted the Psychiatrist to recommend I write down my feelings. I only listened to it again 25 years later when my niece was given a copy for Christmas and I actually enjoyed it. Another album I cannot listen to properly is Queen’s of the Stone Age’s “Songs for the Deaf” an album I was listening to when my partner miscarried. When she was pregnant again I would not listen to the album for fear that it would presage another awful tragedy. I now do not want to have to file another album away into that category the album being “Babel” by Mumford and Sons and if you’ve read my previous posts you may understand the significance.

So currently I have my extensive music collection on shuffle trying to shuffle my minds connection between the music I’m listening to and my emotional turmoil over Sue.

I honestly and truthfully do hope Sue has found the happiness she deserves I just wish that it had been with me.

Is This The End?

If a beginning is a very delicate time then an end can also be and as I look back over this past year or so the beginning is clear but the end is a bit foggy. The end of my journey may well have arrived and it could have been 2 weeks ago I don’t know and time will tell if that was it.

Since my last 3 texts to Sue have gone unanswered and she has not contacted me at all I think that it is time to draw a line and move on. I was very worried at first and a lot of things went through my mind, had the monster finally beaten her (both mentally and physically)? Was he there that Friday and saw my texts? If he had seen them I could well imagine the scene with him loosing his temper and she begging him to stay. I don’t think that is an exaggeration as I think Sue is firmly under his spell now and she has compromised so much lately that a final capitulation wouldn’t be too hard for her.

This week I’ve been on my own and I’ve had time to reflect, much the same as I did the week before I left Sue. Being able to order the thoughts in my mind without constant distraction enables me to sort through my emotions and I’ve come to a decision and I am not going to regret it because as I know from the events of the past year life is too short.

I have tried, really really tried, to get through to Sue and have her see sense. We were almost there until fate intervened and threw the monster back into her life. Despite all her worries, concerns and determination to not let him back in (she told me more than once that she knew she had to move on from him as he was not good for her) she did take him back. The cost to myself was enormous and I can not pay that again.

If anything had happened to Sue I’m sure her mother would’ve called me as she has my number, knows what Sue means to me and her mum also believes I would be good for Sue. Her mum hasn’t called so I’m going to believe Sue is living her life as she wants. I’ve repeatedly told Sue all I want is for to be happy and if being with him is her definition of happiness then good luck to her. From our last meeting Sue is aware that I will wait for her. I am not angry, I am not bitter, I am just sad, sad for Sue and her children.

My decision is to walk away.

I am going to try and patch up my home life and move on. This blog may get a bit quieter now as my journey is at an end but if things change I will blog about them. I’m leaving this all here as a reminder to myself of what happened and not to go on that journey ever again.

The decision is made and although it was very hard to do I feel happy and that it is the right one. If Sue contacts me then I’ll cross that bridge when it happens, I don’t think it will though.

Thank you for joining me on this journey I wish you all the very best.

PS I’m going to start blogging under my own name soon, there will be no links back here but if you do find me and think this is me then drop me a line and I’ll award you a gold star 🙂